What to say? My crazy year has been well and truly trumped by recent events. I find myself in a doubly strange world – locked to a hospital environment by a freakish accident, then locked down again by the Covid–19 virus. As we progress through this public health crisis, I can look out of my window at a garden and watch the seasons change (I am lucky enough to have a bed next to a window in a 6 bed room) or look to my left and see the nurses’ uniforms and PPE changing on a daily basis as the hospital management tries to figure out what government communications mean at the micro level. A few days ago, it was full-on gowns and facemasks; today we are nearly back to normal. Aside from the obvious, I’m in decent shape and the precautions here mean I should stay infection free for a reasonable time. I have been struggling with the drugs which have left me drowsy for large parts of the day but we seem to be making progress meaning I have a bit more time to write or read the news or grapple with technology permanently set to hands-free. With my actuarial hat on, I do wonder at our lack of preparedness. It perhaps just reflects voters narrow focus on their own life experiences so no one is willing to put their taxes into preparing for pandemics or solar storms, both of which are likely to occur over the space of a few lifetimes and both of which could cause huge disruption. This modern fragility is especially the case with our reliance on technology and just-in-time supply chains.
Here’s me going all actuarial. The blog was meant to be a record my journey, at least as far as getting home, and was meant to be humorous where possible. That’s currently proving to be quite difficult, but I will make an attempt. What follows is intended to fill in the fortnight between my arrival at the hospital in Palma and my arrival at hospital in Scotland – the National Spinal Injuries Unit in Glasgow.
To recap, I’d entered a closed-road cycle event around the island of Majorca in late April 2019 with a view to pootling around a 100 – mile course with around 8000 other cyclists. Having negotiated the mountainous part of the course I fell with two other cyclists (whose names I still don’t know). I suffered a fracture of my C2 vertebra which is normally fatal because it isn’t possible to breathe without support (usually through a ventilator). My bad luck was followed, in the space of a few minutes, by some outrageous good luck. A British consultant anaesthetist, respiratory doctor and German intensive care nurse stopped to help me and saved my life together with the ambulance doctor, Julia, and the local hospital doctors. I’ve described the accident in a previous blog and have no memory of much of the day of the accident and only hazy memories of the following week, but here is my best attempt to describe what happened over the following 13 days.
For me, the first week in hospital is a fog of just a few memories. I was drifting in and out of consciousness. Older folks might remember the final surreal scene in Stanley Kubrick’s “2001 – a space Odyssey”. The film is set in the future and finishes with a space traveller in a tiled-white room with an errant computer in charge of his ship. We are not sure whether he’s hallucinating or not as he appears to age on a long space journey. I woke – who knows when – feeling much like that space traveller. What I could see was limited to ceiling tiles, a vent and small insect. I couldn’t feel or move anything below my neck. I could blink but I couldn’t speak. A large ventilator chugged away. For some reason (probably the cocktail of drugs I was given) it sounded to me like a squash court. The tracheostomy tube connected to the vent was “cuffed”, meaning a bag could be inflated to make breathing easier but depriving me of any voice. There may have been a clock, but given my limited ability to move my head, I couldn’t read it. It was difficult to judge the passage of time, drifting in and out of consciousness. With a spinal injury it’s necessary to stabilise the neck. This is usually done with an uncomfortable collar which needs to be worn for around 6 weeks. The head is flat, again for the requisite 6 weeks. Unfortunately for me, I had picked up a gash on the back of my head, most likely from the trauma collar. Patient experience isn’t a high priority when the overriding objective is to keep the patient alive. I was thirsty and this thirst dominated my waking thoughts over the two weeks. Could I remember such a thirst as a child on a summer’s day? I don’t think so. I spent hours fantasizing about a mouthful of cold water or a sip of cold beer. It’s something I won’t ever forget.
My eldest son joined my wife on the Sunday morning and began talking to my doctors. During a wakeful period, he explained (more than once) where I was, the time of day and state of my injuries. He read John Le Carre to me, although most of this is lost in a fug of semi-consciousness. He did establish some communication with blinking (for yes and no). Like the good analyst he is, he asked me to rate my level of brain function! Upon asking the brain doctor what was going on at the leading edge of research, he was told that the Russians were doing interesting work on head transplants. Sensibly, he kept that information to himself. The family gathered that week. Conversations with my doctors meant my poor wife being presented with a range of scenarios for brain damage, most of which were pretty awful. Life was clearly going to change for good, and not in a positive way. In her position, I don’t know whether I would have hoped for a gentle exit or the unknown future. It was an awful fortnight for the family.
Visiting hours are restricted to 4 hours per day. I don’t whether it’s day or night, but here is my brother-in-law Richard carrying a board with lines of letters and a smile and a hopeful look on his face (my wife and sister were in another meeting with doctors). This letter board was to be my main means of communication with my family for the next 10 days or so. The board showed five rows of letters and numbers based on how frequently they occurred in the English language (think Scrabble). Words had to be spelt letter by letter. The family could run a finger downwards until the correct row for a letter was reached then I would blink (if I was quick enough). The finger would run across the selected row until the target letter was reached and I would blink again. We would repeat this until we had a word, then a sentence et cetera. It was very tiring but it did succeed in making a few small changes to my care. It worked well most of the time but occasionally things came off the rails when my youngest son cranked up the speed or when we simply forgot what had been blinked out previously. Everyone was in a state of shock but gradually we refined the system. Despite the pain from my head and raging thirst (I was allowed to suck a damp Q-Tip every couple of hours) it was a constructive part of the day. At night, without a clock to guide me, nights seemed to last forever – seconds seemed to stretch into minutes; minutes into hours; hours into days et cetera.. If I had been able to switch off the ventilator I would have done.
Of course, I didn’t know quite how hard the family was working for better outcomes in the background, talking to friends working in the UK’s NHS to figure out the best place for me to go and how to get there. During my second week, a bed became available at the Glasgow spinal unit and I was able to fly to Glasgow airport on May 11 with doctor Dr Mark and nurse Aurelien who worked hard on my chest for the duration of the journey. It would have been very easy to have become stuck in Palma given the attitude of my insurers (another story) but despite this my eldest son and his wife managed to make it happen. I don’t know where I would be without their intervention.
This is too long already so I think I’ll finish here and hopefully find a happier subject for the next entry.
hospital a hospital
Mi hijo mayor se unió a mi esposa el domingo por la mañana y comenzó a hablar con mis médicos. Durante un período de vigilia, explicó (más de una vez) dónde estaba, la hora del día y el estado de mis lesiones. Él me leyó a John Le Carre, aunque la mayor parte de esto se pierde en un fugitivo de semi-conciencia. Él estableció cierta comunicación con el parpadeo (para sí y no). Como el buen analista que es, ¡me pidió que calificara mi nivel de función cerebral! Al preguntarle al médico del cerebro qué estaba pasando en la vanguardia de la investigación, le dijeron que los rusos estaban haciendo un trabajo interesante en los trasplantes de cabeza. Con sensatez, guardó esa información para sí mismo. La familia se reunió esa semana. Las conversaciones con mis médicos significaron que a mi pobre esposa se le presentaron una variedad de escenarios de daño cerebral, la mayoría de los cuales fueron bastante horribles. La vida claramente iba a cambiar para siempre, y no de una manera positiva. En su posición, no sé si hubiera esperado una salida apacible o el futuro desconocido. Fue una quincena horrible para la familia.
Las horas de visita están restringidas a 4 horas por día. No sé si es de día o de noche, pero aquí está mi cuñado Richard con una pizarra con líneas de letras y una sonrisa y una mirada esperanzada (mi esposa y mi hermana estaban en otra reunión con los médicos). Este pizarrón debía ser mi principal medio de comunicación con mi familia durante los próximos 10 días más o menos. La pizarra mostraba cinco filas de letras y números en función de la frecuencia con que ocurrían en el idioma inglés (piense en Scrabble). Las palabras tenían que deletrearse letra por letra. La familia podía mover un dedo hacia abajo hasta llegar a la fila correcta para una carta y luego parpadearía (si era lo suficientemente rápido). El dedo pasaría por la fila seleccionada hasta que se alcanzara la letra objetivo y yo parpadearía nuevamente. Repetiríamos esto hasta tener una palabra, luego una oración, etc. Fue muy agotador, pero logró hacer algunos pequeños cambios a mi cuidado. Funcionó bien la mayor parte del tiempo, pero ocasionalmente las cosas se salieron de los rieles cuando mi hijo menor aumentó la velocidad o simplemente olvidamos lo que se había apagado anteriormente. Todos estaban en estado de shock, pero poco a poco fuimos perfeccionando el sistema. A pesar del dolor de mi cabeza y la sed furiosa (se me permitió chupar un Q-Tip húmedo cada dos horas) fue una parte constructiva del día. Por la noche, sin un reloj que me guiara, las noches parecían durar para siempre; alos segundos parecían convertirse en minutos; minutos en horas; horas a días, etcétera. Si hubiera podido apagar el ventilador, lo habría hecho.
Por supuesto, no sabía qué tan duro estaba trabajando la familia para obtener mejores resultados en el fondo, hablando con amigos que trabajan en el NHS del Reino Unido para averiguar el mejor lugar para mí y cómo llegar allí. Durante mi segunda semana, una cama estaba disponible en la unidad de columna vertebral de Glasgow y pude volar al aeropuerto de Glasgow el 11 de mayo con el doctor Dr. Mark y la enfermera Aurelien, quienes trabajaron duro en mi pecho durante todo el viaje. Hubiera sido muy fácil quedar atrapado en Palma dada la actitud de mis aseguradoras (otra historia), pero a pesar de esto, mi hijo mayor y su esposa lograron hacerlo realidad. No sé dónde estaría sin su intervención.
Esto ya es demasiado largo, así que creo que terminaré aquí y espero encontrar un tema más feliz para la próxima entrada.
I can't believe it's been a year since your accident, John. It feels like no time at all, whilst it is frankly a lifetime ago. Thank you for sharing how things are moving along for you – it gives us a small window into your life, and all those immediately around you.
The arrival of C19 has changed things in practical terms for everyone, has destroyed families around the world, and yet also given some of us some context to appreciate what we had before – and what we will all hopefully have again soon. I am sure you and the teams around you are keeping you and themselves equally safe.
We miss you, and hope we can come over to the UK and see you soon. All our love.